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My new boyfriend is experiencing ED

      • Participant
        starry1124 on #145

        I started dating a new man recently (we’re both in our mid-40s). We really like each other and are excited about our connection. Everything about this new romance feels amazing and perfect….except for the lack of sexual intimacy.

        He says (often) that he’s really attracted to me, but I don’t feel it. We kiss a lot, and it’s wonderful, but he doesn’t seem to want to go much beyond kissing. There have only been a couple of times that we’ve taken things further than kissing, and it was clear to me from that experience that he does have some issues with ED. I can only guess that this is why he’s hesitant to initiate physical or sexual intimacy with me.

        I’ve been reading about this online a bit, and I understand that this is a very difficult situation for men and that it’s important for the partner to be supportive. But I’m really struggling with what that means, and whether I can do it.

        He and I talked about this a little bit today, although mostly in an indirect way. I was the one who brought it up….I didn’t call it out as ED or as a problem with him — I simply said that I feel like he doesn’t want to be sexual with me, which is true. The talk and his response weren’t particularly validating or reassuring.

        I can totally appreciate that having a supportive partner/girlfriend is important in order for a man (for the couple) to work through and overcome this. But the thing that’s challenging for me is, this is a brand new romance. It isn’t like we have months or even weeks of emotional bonding, trust, dedication, commitment, etc. The relationship is STARTING this way. I don’t know how long it will take for this situation to improve, or even if it ever will.

        I care a lot about this man and feel an emotional connection with him, and on other levels I do think we have potential for a future together. But right now I feel confused, extremely sexually frustrated, and even angry. I’m an attractive woman with a very strong, healthy sex drive. Before dating this guy I had been single for a very long time (more than 3-1/2 years), and the last time I had sex was over a year ago. I am ready for a happy, healthy, strong relationship and having a healthy, active sex life is a big part of that.

        I know that I should be willing to be patient and understanding and to stay by his side through this….but I’m not sure I’m there. Maybe I’m just not a good person. But it’s not fun to have to get myself off alone before every time I go to spend time with him, because otherwise I’ll just feel unbearably sexually frustrated. I just want a normal sex life!

        Help!  THIS IS AFFECTING ME TOO!!!

      • Keymaster
        Robert Nicholson on #146

        Sadly, a lot of women find themselves in the situation you are in.

        To me, being understanding and supportive means:

        • Understanding that ED is a medical condition, and your boyfriend is not responsible
        • Understanding it does not mean your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you
        • Not belittling him or holding his condition against him
        • Being willing to talk with your boyfriend, and work together to explore ways you can have a satisfying sex life

        But there’s a flip side to the coin! 

        Your boyfriend needs to be willing to discuss the issue as well.  He needs to take responsibility for this as a health issue, and talk with a doctor about treatment options.  And he needs to acknowledge your needs.

        It sounds like you see the possibility of a strong relationship – but so far, don’t have too much connection.

        If I were you, I’d raise the issue again.  Try to make it clear that having ED is not a big issue, but not being able to talk about how it affects you and your relationship is.

        Hopefully, he’ll be able to open up.  But if not, you need to decide whether this is the right relationship for you long term.  And it’s perfectly OK for you to do that!

      • Participant
        ashleigh on #148

        I agree with what Robert said.  You need to talk to him and get this worked out.

        You can support him, but he needs to support you to.

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